how to stop trying and start doing
how to stop trying and start doing
It’s Friday, 4:00pm. I’m in the home stretch of a long work week, and I can count on one hand the things left on my to do list. My workflow is occasionally interrupted by the fantasy of my long awaited Friday night victory lap, which includes turning off my computer, putting my phone on do not disturb, and binge watching Schitt’s Creek over some authentic Himalayan food, an $8 bottle of pinot noir, and an entire sleeve of Thin Mints.
My phone buzzes--its a text from a friend in one of my beloved group chats:
“Hiii SO sorry to be sending this last minute, but I decided to stay local for my birthday this weekend and I made reservations for dinner downtown tonight @ 7:30pm. Let me know if you can make it, would love to see you all !!!”
My immediate, internal reaction: Absolutely not. Not because I don’t love my friends. Not because I don’t love a good birthday party. But because I’ve already committed to myself, and I’ve learned the important lesson of saying no to respect my existing yes’s. I affirm with myself right then and there that I’m not going to dinner.
But what do I actually say in response to the invite?:
“Omg sounds fun! I’m really wrapped up with work today, but I’ll try to be there! If not, happiest of birthdays and I promise I’ll make it up to you!”
There was a moment of relief, soon followed by a feeling of guilt. I had caught myself--not only in a lie, but I caught myself in a try. I used the phase, “I’ll try to be there” to save face. I felt ashamed at the idea of sharing the truth that, as much as I’d love to celebrate a classic girl gang birthday, that last minute invite would disrupt some much needed me time. I chose to give the impression that I would make every effort to be there rather than standing confident in a totally valid “no.”
Then another wave of insight hit me--where else am I trying, and not doing? Where else am I avoiding making firm decisions and, instead, hiding behind the facade of making a substantial effort? I started to think about all the times that I’ve been stuck on an inability to change behavior, and I realized that the catalyst for inaction was rooted in being caught up in a try. For example:
I’m going to try to not spend so much money this month (I end up spending nearly double what I spent the month before)
I’m going to try not to drink tonight (I end up drinking every ounce of alcohol in the house)
I’m going to try to get up early tomorrow (I end up sleeping until noon)
This had to stop. My first thought in adjusting this issue was, naturally, just forcing myself to stop saying “try.” But that's not the issue. There's nothing wrong with the word try and there was no need for me to totally eradicate it from my vocabulary--sometimes I do try things with substantial effort and still end up with undesirable results (e.g. I’ve tried California pizza many times, and it just sucks!). What actually needed shifting was my intentionality behind trying. I was ready to face my tendency to use the word “try” as an excuse to not actually do. These are the 3 things I practiced to make that shift:
1. The first steps admitting it.
And to admit it, you have to be aware of it. Once you’re aware of it, you can give it a name and call it out every time it happens. Seriously, do this: for the next week, every time you catch yourself in a try, I empower you to call yourself out. You can even say out loud, “Oh, I just got caught in a try!” Naming it and calling it out also helps you collect more data around the habit and start asking questions--like when and where do you most frequently catch yourself in a try? Is it with work commitments? With your friends? Or are you tripping over tries when it comes to making commitments to yourself?
2. Break it down.
Once you’ve identified your try tendencies and where and when they happen, then it's time to break them down and understand the why. Sometimes the why is as simple as this: our effort is genuine, but the thing we’re trying to do is too complex or vague. We have a vision of the changed behavior without fully understanding what it takes to get there, or how plan out SMART next steps (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time. Click here to download a free SMART goal setting tool!). For instance, we tell ourselves we want to try to get to work on time, but we don’t consider the smaller action items that would set us up for success (e.g., going to sleep earlier, making breakfast the night before, etc.). So, we go through the motions the next morning with minimal changes and hope that we’ll magically arrive to work a little bit earlier… and when we don’t, we shrug it off and say, “well, at least I tried!”
Other times, the why behind our try habit is more complicated, like in the example I shared about my group chat. I used the word “try” not because I genuinely made an effort and got lost in the process--but because of the opposite: I decided in that moment that I wouldn’t make an effort, and also decided that I didn’t want to be truthful about my lack of effort. Addressing inauthenticity and our resistance to claiming our decisions is a deeper process that requires introspection, mindfulness, and time. However, something that has helped me on this journey is to…
3. Change the language
Change the language to reflect what you really mean to say or do. Practice writing those words down, say them out loud, and then eventually build the confidence to communicate them clearly and act on them. If you find that you keep “trying” to tell your boss that you’d like a raise but, inevitably, you never find yourself having the conversation--then its time to start changing the language. Write down what you really want to say/do (e.g., I will to email my boss tomorrow and ask for a meeting to discuss compensation philosophy vs. maybe I’ll casually bring up a raise next time I have some alone time with my boss but only if she doesn’t seem too stressed out). Practice what you want to say in the mirror, and then to a loved on, or maybe your dog first. Notice how it feels to claim your truth out loud. How does it feel, where do you feel it in your body? Then, envision what could happen if you acted on your words. All of this brings you one step closer to doing, and not just trying.
If any of that resonated with you, then know you’re not alone! This work is easier said than done. If you’re ever looking for a little extra support in the form of an accountability partner, then I’m your gal. Get in touch or book a free coaching consultation to learn more about my coaching services.
